amidst a sea of incoherancy

I had the weirdest dream last night. I dreamed that I was the opening act for Rebecca St. James who was on a world tour. (Just the fact that I dreamed I was an opening act for Rebecca St. James is pretty funny.) Anyway, Rebecca’s tour was titled “The Chastity Tour.” She was using it as a platform to preach on the benefits of saving oneself for marriage, etc.

At first, everything happened as you might expect-- pray before show, do show, preach chastity, go to next show, repeat. However, as the tour went on night after night, I noticed that Rebecca’s clothes were getting more and more provocative. The more provocative her clothes got, the more people showed up at her concerts. It got to the point where she was preaching about chastity to humongous stadiums while only wearing a live Boa Constrictor (I think Britney Spears wore one once). The media started talking about how edgy Rebecca St. James was getting and before you know it, she was boosted from a B-List Christian artist to an A-List mainstream artist who filled the biggest arenas available and then preached chastity while wearing nothing but lives snakes.

I kept thinking to myself, something is wrong here. How can you tell people to be chaste while wearing nothing but a boa constrictor and doing cover shoots for Maxim? But that’s when things got even dicier. Rebecca had her stage re-designed. She said she wanted it to look like she was singing between a pair of hands that were raised to God in praise.

When the stage was finished, Rebecca covered it in a big cloth and brought all of us out for the unveiling. She unveiled the raised hands and we all looked at them, scratching our heads. They weren’t hands at all. They were these huge boobs. We were all like, “Dude, those aren’t hands…they’re big boobs.” Rebecca kept saying they weren’t. “Whatever guys (in her Auzzie accent) these are beautiful hands raised in praise of our God.”…but they were seriously NOT hands raised in praise of God. They didn’t look one bit like hands. They were boobs. I should know because I was the opening act who had to play between them every night.

The new stage made Rebecca VERY popular with the dance crowd and she made a dance video wearing the Boa Constrictor. I can’t exactly remember the lyrics, but they were something like, “God gave me my hotness so I’m gonna strut my stuff. I’m gonna follow Jesus cuz I’m just so dang hot.” Something like that. I remember a few churches added it to their worship setlists.

Northwestern Bookstores had no problem putting up big cardboard displays of Rebecca’s “Hands praising God,” but for some reason they took offense at the words “Strut my stuff.” They said it “sounded prideful.” At this point they stopped selling Rebecca;s CDs and demanded that she apologize for her pride.

It was about this point when my alarm clock went off. I wish I had been able to finish the dream and see what happened. Anyway, it was a pretty funny dream.